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Assholes on Earth 2006/Transcript
Transcript (Mayor Lion is shown sitting in her office, typing on her computer, when Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig run in, and then her assistant runs in.) Assistant "Um, Mayor, you have some visitors. Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig want to speak with you." Mummy Pig: "Please, Mayor, it’s urgent!" Mayor Lion: "Alright, send them in." Daddy Pig: "Um, we ARE in, Mayor." Mayor Lion: "Oh. Well, what do you want?" Mummy Pig: "Mayor, Peppa's gone missing!" Mayor Lion: "What? Really?" Daddy Pig: "Mummy Pig went to wake her and George up this morning and she was gone, and the window next to her bed was open. We think she was kidnapped in the middle of the night!" Mayor Lion: "Okay, okay. Calm down. We don’t have to make a big deal out of this." Daddy Pig: "Oh, the hell with that. I’m a bit of an EXPERT out of making big deals out of things! Call a town meeting, and fast!" Mayor Lion: (sighs) "Well, alright." (Some time later, the whole town is gathered at the town hall, sitting silently.) Mayor Lion: (standing at the podium) "Alright, everybody, remain calm! We have everything under control! There’s no need to panic." Grandpa Pig: "Uh... we AREN'T panicking." Mr. Bull: "Yeah, kids go missing everyday. What’s the big deal?" (Mummy Pig glares At Mayor Lion.) Mayor Lion: "Uh... we’ve decided to bring in an expert team of detectives to find Peppa." Miss Rabbit: "Who?" Mayor Lion: "We called in... The Political Boys!" (Dramatic music plays.) Daddy Pig: "Who?" (The Political Boys- Franklin D. Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy- are shown walking in front of a black background, waving flashlights, as music plays and their many mystery-solving books are shown.) Narrator: "The Political Boys. Two old senator-y whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries, and other political stuff. The Political Boys in: The Mystery of The Missing Child." (Back at the town hall, The Political Boys are shown standing with Mayor Lion and the Pigs.) Mayor Lion: "Well, that’s about the long and short of it, Political Boys. We need you to find some clues as to where young Peppa may be." Roosevelt: "Don’t worry, Mayor. We’re on it." Kennedy: (gasps) "Look, Frank!" Roosevelt: "What is it, John?" (John F. Kennedy pulls out a ridiculously large magnifying glass and walks over to the wall.) Kennedy: (pointing at a crack in the wall) "This wall appears to have a crack in it. That must be why the walls keep crumbling." Roosevelt: "By jove, you may just be onto something, Kennedy! This could be a clue!" Mayor Lion: (snapping her fingers) "Um, guys, we're over here, remember?" Roosevelt: "Huh? Oh, yeah, right." (The Political Boys walk back over to the others.) Mayor Lion: "Now, I need you two to head out and look for clues. Got it?" Mummy Pig: "And don’t come back until you know where Peppa is?" Kennedy: "Don’t you worry, Mayor. We’ll find Peppa in no time, as long as we keep looking for clues. Come on, Frank!" (The Political Boys walk out, looking through their magnifying glasses and waving their flashlights around, looking for more clues.) Daddy Pig: "Why do they have flashlights? It’s already bright in here!" Mayor Lion: (sighs) (Outsude, The Political Boys make their way down the street, shining their flashlights in everybody’s faces.) Kennedy: "Alright, Frank, look around for any clues we might need to take with us." Roosevelt: (gasps) "Look, John! That bus stand!" Kennedy: "What about it?" Roosevelt: (pointing at the schedule) "The 2:30 bus ride to Main Street is 5 minutes late. It’s 2:35!" Kennedy: "By God! That's another clue we can use! Great job, Franklin!" (The two approach an abandoned, mysterious building.) Kennedy: "Hmmm, that place looks pretty spooky. We should skip past it, Frank. (He looks at Frank, but he’s not there.) Kennedy: "Frank? Franklin?" Roosevelt: (from inside the building) "John! In here, John!" (John runs inside and meets up with Franklin.) Roosevelt: "Look, John! That spiderweb has two eggs, but there are three adult spiders!" Kennedy: "By George, that third one must be a prostitute!" (John gets out a gun and shoots the third spider in the head, causing it to fall to the ground, dead.) Roosevelt: "Wow, why are you so good at shooting things clean in the head?" Kennedy: "Why do you think? Wait a minute, what’s that over there?" (Kennedy walks over to a car and takes a sticky note with writing off of it.) Kennedy: (reading the note) "'If you want to find the girl, then go solve a mystery in the haunted house nearby'. A haunted house?" Roosevelt: "Oh, That sounds spooky. I don’t think we should do that. Kennedy: "Yeah, i'd rather just go back to Heaven and do senator-y stuff." (Suddenly, police cars swarm the place.) Roosevelt: "What in the blazes?" (Mr. Giraffe gets out of a police car.) Mr. Giraffe: "Alright, Political Boys, i don’t care if you’ve got a mystery to solve, you just trespassed on someone else’s property. You’re going to prison!" Kennedy: (gasps) "Prison? But those aren’t prison buses! They're just regular police cars!" Roosevelt: "Ah, another clue!" Police Officer: "Oh, just get in the damn car!" (The Political Boys are pushed inside the car.) Kennedy: "Gosh! Everything inside here is white, except for the dead bodies!" Roosevelt: "There are clues everywhere! Oh well, at least we don’t have to search that spooky haunted house anymore." (The police cars drive off.) (At town hall, Mayor Lion sits in her office with Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig, reading the note that The Political Boys found.) Mummy Pig: (looking at the note) "Oh my goodness! Peppa’s being held captive at a haunted house! We have to go there and rescue her!" (starts to run off) Mayor Lion: (grabs her) "Wait, Mummy Pig. It’s too dangerous! We need ANOTHER group of mystery-solving sleuths to investigate the haunted house." Daddy Pig: "But who? The Political Boys are in jail!" Mayor Lion: (thinks for a second) "Then we'll send in the next-best detective group in our database: Mystery Intoxicated!" Daddy Pig: "Who?" Mummy Pig: (sighs) "Seriously, darling, go outside once in a while." (Mystery Intoxicated's theme song plays. The group- consisting of Bill Cosby, Jared Fogle, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Savile, and Jeffrey Jones- are then shown driving down the road in their signature vehicle: The Windowless Wagon.) Dan Schneider: (driving the van and acting as Fred) "Okay, gang. The mayor said we have to investigate a mansion nearby. Looks like we have another mystery on our hands." Jeffrey Jones: "I have semen on my hands..." All: "Jeffrey!" (A laugh track is heard) (The gang pulls up at the mansion, and they all get out.) Jimmy Savile: "Hey, I remember this place. I banged a kid here once." Dan Schneider: "We ALL banged kids here, Jim." Jimmy: "Oh yeah!" (smiles as another laugh track is heard) (Jared Fogle and Bill Cosby see the creepy mansion and freeze.) Jared Fogle: (acting as Shaggy) "Like, no way, man. Like, I’m not, like going inside, like, that haunted, like, house, like." Bill Cosby: (shakes his head, acting as Scooby) "Ruh-ruh!" (The two turn around and sit down with their eyes closed defiantly.) Jimmy: (acting as Velma) "Oh really? (gets out s box of treats) Will you boys do it for one Cosby Crisp?" Jared: "Like, no way." Jimmy: "TWO Cosby Crisps?" Bill: (shakes his head again) "Uh-uh." Jimmy: (now carrying a naked, intoxicated child) "Three Cosby Crisps, and this limp naked kid?" (Jared and Bill whip around.) Jared: (drooling) "Like, NOW you’re speaking my language, man!" (Bill laughs like Scooby, as another laugh track is heard.) Category:PA Category:Transcripts Category:PA transcripts Category:PA Transcripts